Sweet 16

Yesterday was my sweet sixteen and it was a blast thanks for coming! It meant a lot to me :)

Fight for what is right

Hey guys! I don't really know where to start with this so bear with me?

Fight for what is right.  I'll probably add to this for my entire life because there are so many things that are worth fighting for. I'll just make a list with my opinions and feel free to comment and throw in something that you think is worth fighting for. Oh and if you want me to expand on anything I would be glad to :)

Love. Love is definitely worth fighting for, no matter what type of love it is. It should never ever depend on how you love the receiver of your love. To me fighting for your loved ones is how you a truly pure way to show love. I'll probably write a post about love later, if I remember;) cuz there is way too much to put here.

You. Fight with all your might for yourself. You should never feel like you should be someone else when you feel like that isn't you. This is kinda the main point of the post because of some events that happened in my life and I have realized that I don't deserve to be treated like that. Anyway the event doesn't matter since its in the past and it's helped me to open my eyes. Stand up for yourself if you ever feel disrespected, guilt tripped, feel less about yourself, made to feel like some misfortune is your fault when IT NEVER WAS! Don't shout and yell back because that lowers you to their level. Wait and hear them out, eventually they will loose their voice. Stay calm, if you are mad wait because you can never think straight when you are angry and upset. Be firm, this person is talking about you please don't give up on yourself. You are worth so much more than what this Neanderthal is saying. Take a breath, count how to ten, and stand up to your full fantastic beautiful potential and say "Nothing you say can effect me because I am above this and I love myself no matter what" and when you say it believe it! 

Fight with beauty for they fight with ugliness. Fight with a gentle words for they fight with harsh words. 

Fight with defense for something you believe in. Fight with understanding for they fight with misunderstanding. Fight with truth for they fight with lies. Fight with flowers for they fight with thorns and briers. Fight with a hug for they fight with fists. Fight with love for they fight with hate. Fight with mercy. Fight with humility. Fight for what is beautiful, true, free, and wonderful.

Happiness & passions. Anyway you should never have your happiness taken away from you by some bully. Always defend what makes you happy, if someone is talking bad about something or someone that makes you happy stand up and protect them. I know that if I just stand by and listen to someone bash on my passions I feel awful later. But I am trying to stick my head in and just say I don't necessarily agree with you but I can see where your coming from and if you don't then ask them why they have this opinion. 

Adventure. Fight for adventure and freedom. For the moments in the summer that you can still feel. For the memories with our friends.

Music. Don't fight the beat ;)

Family. Ohana means no one gets left behind or forgotten. But this also means sometimes a family member just needs a few days to relax and just do nothing. So staying home is never bad, unless it's for a really long time or very often. But we can never forget a family member who made a positive impact in your life. 

Education. Yeah yeah boo to school just read. I love learning and education not necessarily school. Fight to be smart for the dumb are dominated. So just to put us out of our first world tunnel vision. You pick up a book and start to read, if you are found with that you could possibly be killed and the book most likely be destroyed that was Germany in World War Two. You were denied the right to learn. So just remember many people have risked and given their lives in attempt to learn or help other people learn. 

Friends. Fight for our friends and help them stand up for themselves. 

Life. Fight for your life, not the one anyone wants, just your life, hopes, and dreams. 

I say fight a lot and I never mean to abuse anyone or anyone's standards in anyway. Fight does not equal punches ( at least on my blog)  

Body image

If you know me you would know I am very skinny. The most often heard comment I get is "you're  like a stick". Thanks I always wanted to be compared to a dead piece of wood. However I understand how people assume that I'll take it as a compliment. In most cases I do, the exception is when they carry on as so:" you're so lucky! I wish I was that thin." So many issues right there!! 

 You should accept your own body because it is a gift. It is beautiful and deserves your love. 

 Lucky? Im lucky? Obviously you have no idea what I go through to have both sides of this body hate spectrum. That I truly am trying to help come into a positive light, but sometimes it slips into the self-hating again. Let me explain a bit so that people can understand. I see my ribs everyday and i wish i could not. I am all bones and that really shows, especially in my clothes. Yes i win every hip war i get into, because its straight bone. And to me that is not appealing. When i hug people I'm afraid ill poke them because i am so boney. Now the other side of the spectrum. I wish my stomach was flatter. I can suck it in and that pushes my ribs further out so its a lose lose either way. But i really am trying to make it better i really am. But as i said it slips. 

Anyway back on to my main purpose of this post kinda got side tracked in self pity, sorry about that, but the main purpose is to say that You are beautiful no matter what society has said! Now to all the guys that got down to this point don't leave this is for you too. Because society has given us cookie cutters and expects us to fill it and if we don't we are "stupid" "ugly" ect. But we are such beautiful creatures because we are unique in our looks and how we carry ourselves. Society has destroyed our love for ourselves because for those who do are labeled as hot headed and full of themselves. Yeah they've filled themselves with love. Today's world expects guys to be big and macho. They are not allowed to cry or play with "girly" stuff which makes me mad why can't our society simply promote self beauty and not contradict its self within the same magazine! In today's world we have so many gender roles and restrictions that if we go beyond any of the we are immediately labeled as something negative. I wish that I could understand the guys point of view more but it is as it is. What I do know is that there are pressures to both sides and I pray that someday we may be able to break from the median bonds and love ourselves because everyone is beautiful and fantastic. Love you all

<3 Shannon 

Ireland

Dear Ireland, 

I miss you. I miss the wonderful misty mornings and the bright warm afternoons. I miss the friendly people with your beautiful accents. Ah I miss all of it! May I soon return to you. 

<3 Shannon 

P.S. Both Northern Ireland and Ireland. Since you are different :) love ha both my darlings.

Now I unfortunately don't remember all the details since I have a terrible memory and I was small. Oh and I apologize in advance for my spelling, I shall try my best! 

 My adventures in both Ireland's (which is going to just be combined into Ireland since I don't remember what was where in which side of the border. I'm sorry, and feel free to correct me!) like most of my adventures was when I lived in England. My name is in fact Irish, there is also I river in Ireland that I is on my bucket list to visit! Sorry going off on a tangent, umm what I can recall involves the Giants steps, Galaway, and many small towns and beautiful woods. The two most powerful memories that I have are of two places by the shore. One was a beautiful resurant, for the longest time I thoughts it was a dream. Anyway what sticks to my brain was I was looking outside and it was dark and the stars were out. But I was looking out towards the shore and I saw this light house. But the moon was shining and everything had such a magical feel to it. I would love to find out where that was and go back there someday because it has been such a beautiful memory that has brought me comfort in many cases. The second place is the sea glass beach, stunning place of just sea glass everywhere, still have some in fact. But I spent a whole day there and it was so much fun! 

Most of my other Irish memories have faded to only be vaguely stirred my pictures of myself in those places. So hopefully at one point in my life I may be able to come back and renew my memories and make new ones =) 

Love you bunches thanks for reading <3 Shannon 

Phantom of the Opera!

Oh how many stories!

So Phantom is being performed now! And you should see it!

Anyway stories...

Mine started just like another, I auditioned with high hopes. And I didn't get in, at all. But I prayed about it and had the impression to have patience and just wait. So I did. About a month ago one of my friends was talking about how she had to help build the lair. I offered to help because i mean another pair of hands can't hurt anyone. So I went on Saturday. Then Monday, Tuesday, and soon I was there more often then some of the techies hahaha. But that doesn't matter. What does is that I am now part of a family and I love them to the worlds end. True I still don't know most of them but the ones I do know I love and respect them so much. 

Oh so because I helped a lot I was invited to help work the show as a techie. Which made my entire year! No joke! It has made me feel so happy and wanted and I am so glad that I could be a part of the show. I only have two things that hate me in the show, Both of them props. 1. The "Devil" bench, I call it that because its small yet weighs a ton and tends to disappear right when you need it and then reappear right when you don't need it and in the strangest places. 2. The Elephant. So far it has broken its leg( its a prop not a real animal), a pipe in it fell out and so i was fixing it and it decided to bite me, its stabbed me with a screw, and its tusk is sometimes strange. But oh well. 

Oh another funny thing that happened was me and my food. I usually have a bag full of food and I just leave it open and people just come by and eat my food, which I'm totally fine with especially since I know what people eat(mostly nothing or granola bars) so I just find it funny. Any way, it's been such a blessing being a part of the show! You guys are fantastic! Love you tons!
<3 Shannon 

Mirror in a new light

Alright I've pulled my head out of the dark and took a new light to things. 

I really am a mirror that sees you at the best and worst, and loves you. I see a lot of people and want to talk to them when it's seems they are having a bad day I am just not sure how to, some day I'll learn.   

So something that really helped me after a long hard week was service. My dad says it a lot and usually I don't know what to do so I don't do anything, but Saturday was great! 

I went back to the school and helped out with Phantom. I'm not in it, nor am I on stage crew but I just wanted to be a part of it. To help in some way make it easier for everyone else. At the beginning it was not very fun because I had no specific job I could do. But then I got put to work putting little labels on the chairs so people could have assigned seats. It was so much fun even though today my knees and hips hurt but hey it was totally worth it. 

I loved being there to help out and just watch something that you love work together for a show. It was absolutely amazing to watch everyone come together to work,  on a Saturday too! 

Love you all 

<3 Shannon 

Mirrors

Random Friday night home alone again which isn't uncommon sadly. I'm not sure if I will post this or not, but we will see what will happen I guess. This has a lot of "I"s in it sorry but this is a personal post, I'll write a happy post soon. However this isn't a pity party for me, I simply want to get a point across... Fore warning this is kinda sad so if you don't want to read this it's okay.

I am a mirror, that is the best way to describe me. No fancy frame or artistic etches just a plain reflective surface. 
I am not very good talking with people because I become worried that  I'll say something stupid or do something strange. I am very self conscious to a point of fault. Example: I love hugging people, but I don't want to offend anyone who doesn't like hugging, but I never bother to ask. Lose lose. I find it almost physically impossible for me to interrupt people when they are talking, even if it's a really good comment. So then I isolate myself off to the side and listen. Then I feel like I am eavesdropping on the conversation so I stop listening eventually I am just existing next to a group of people.
I am a mirror because I can copy very well, especially motions and talking. I copy everyone around me. I guess that is why I am dying to be an actress because that is the one thing I guess I'm good at. 
But then I come home and feel like hiding in my room most days, and I do. An empty mirror. But how can I break out of my mirror? What would I be? 
I was never bullied at school, quite the opposite actually. Sometimes complimented but mostly stereotyped to the rich smart girl that doesn't say anything worthwhile. Or at least that's how I feel most of the time. At home I had mile high expectations that I think I can't achieve. I have to be the good child, my sibling teased me for being sensitive and a goody-two-shoes. So at grade school I tried being blunt. Not rude or necessarily mean but kids then thought of me as the one who you should run away from. My bark is bigger than my bite... always. At home too sweet, at school too blunt some of the time. 
So I grew up being silent and tame, bottling my emotions, fears, hopes, and dreams. The positive was soon over run by the negative. 
I remember when I was small I would sometimes sing because I thought I was good. My sister recorded my singing replayed it to me and said "This is what you sound like so stop." My confidence plummeted from the small height it was on. I highly doubt that she even remembers doing this. I have no grudge towards her, but when ever I sing in public this memory comes screaming at me. Lowering my self esteem every time. I am often scolded by my sister to stop being so sensitive, when in reality I am only sensitive with her. I know she means well but her ways are so different from mine they are often not enjoyable. 
I was raised to be independent, leave me in Europe with some money and I'd be fine. Make me ask for help from my friends and family, I'd rather fail. I don't think I am arrogant. It's just that I don't want to cause anyone else to stress about me so I stay quite and then I stress more and more till I crack. 
I really love talking even though I am not good at it. With friends I am a little better but with peers I fumble for words and I am very awkward and am dying inside because i feel that I am causing unease.   If I could talk like I write I would be in bliss. But I can't so I'm not. 
I am a mirror because I can be just like someone, I seem to pick of mostly favorable attributes. I've lost myself to the act. The majority of the time I'm happy but when I hit my lows I don't know if my happiness is an act or my sadness is just sadness. A zebra with white or black stripes? My family can mostly recognize my lows and try to boost me up. It works. Rarely. I feel that all of the compliments are given to me because I'm some charity case. Or because it is expected from them. So I never really believe compliments. At least when I'm sad. 
I put myself down to help bring up others. Often they catch this and bring me back up. Thank you to the people who catch me. 
And I'm sorry that I am getting better at hiding. I often feel like if I just didn't show up not a lot of people would notice. I know that's not true. But I can't convince my heart that says no one cares. Now adults often say every teen goes through this because I went through it. But they don't understand how I feel. They don't understand when I am tired of everything and everything aches I think of everything I have to do and what I can't do because of information I'm not suppose to know. I feel like I am not living my life the way I want to live it. I feel like I am living my expectations and those are my chains. 
I know that I don't have to look very far to find someone who has it worse and their fine so why can't I? Why? 
I feel like most people are vaguely aware of me and are often surprised when I say something. I have to admit even my crush doesn't even know who I am. On the contrary I am more terrified that he will learn everything about me and not accept it. I live my fears everyday and they are rejection, being ignored, and left out of the loop because they think I am too stupid. 
It's true somethings I don't understand that I am always laughed at for not knowing. But they still insist on keeping me in the dark. 
But hey I put on a good show, I put on my happy face and go through the motions of the day. But once the lights are off I am lucky to get off the stage on two feet. 
I have so many hopes and dreams that are in my reach but I am too scared to try because I am afraid of getting hurt. And because of all of this I am very fragile because I refuse to do anything difficult. Also I have no motivation or inspiration to do anything, so I don't. 
So what is left if I break completely? How can I feel love again and believe it? Who believes a mirror they are simply objects. It would surprise people how much pain and fear there is day to day in my life. 

Now yes I am having a sad day and that's okay because we can be sad sometimes. But it will pass. All I've got to do is stay strong and hang on until it gets better and it will. I will endure.
love you guys,
<3 Shannon