Random Friday night home alone again which isn't uncommon sadly. I'm not sure if I will post this or not, but we will see what will happen I guess. This has a lot of "I"s in it sorry but this is a personal post, I'll write a happy post soon. However this isn't a pity party for me, I simply want to get a point across... Fore warning this is kinda sad so if you don't want to read this it's okay.
I am not very good talking with people because I become worried that I'll say something stupid or do something strange. I am very self conscious to a point of fault. Example: I love hugging people, but I don't want to offend anyone who doesn't like hugging, but I never bother to ask. Lose lose. I find it almost physically impossible for me to interrupt people when they are talking, even if it's a really good comment. So then I isolate myself off to the side and listen. Then I feel like I am eavesdropping on the conversation so I stop listening eventually I am just existing next to a group of people.
I am a mirror because I can copy very well, especially motions and talking. I copy everyone around me. I guess that is why I am dying to be an actress because that is the one thing I guess I'm good at.
But then I come home and feel like hiding in my room most days, and I do. An empty mirror. But how can I break out of my mirror? What would I be?
I was never bullied at school, quite the opposite actually. Sometimes complimented but mostly stereotyped to the rich smart girl that doesn't say anything worthwhile. Or at least that's how I feel most of the time. At home I had mile high expectations that I think I can't achieve. I have to be the good child, my sibling teased me for being sensitive and a goody-two-shoes. So at grade school I tried being blunt. Not rude or necessarily mean but kids then thought of me as the one who you should run away from. My bark is bigger than my bite... always. At home too sweet, at school too blunt some of the time.
So I grew up being silent and tame, bottling my emotions, fears, hopes, and dreams. The positive was soon over run by the negative.
I remember when I was small I would sometimes sing because I thought I was good. My sister recorded my singing replayed it to me and said "This is what you sound like so stop." My confidence plummeted from the small height it was on. I highly doubt that she even remembers doing this. I have no grudge towards her, but when ever I sing in public this memory comes screaming at me. Lowering my self esteem every time. I am often scolded by my sister to stop being so sensitive, when in reality I am only sensitive with her. I know she means well but her ways are so different from mine they are often not enjoyable.
I was raised to be independent, leave me in Europe with some money and I'd be fine. Make me ask for help from my friends and family, I'd rather fail. I don't think I am arrogant. It's just that I don't want to cause anyone else to stress about me so I stay quite and then I stress more and more till I crack.
I really love talking even though I am not good at it. With friends I am a little better but with peers I fumble for words and I am very awkward and am dying inside because i feel that I am causing unease. If I could talk like I write I would be in bliss. But I can't so I'm not.
I am a mirror because I can be just like someone, I seem to pick of mostly favorable attributes. I've lost myself to the act. The majority of the time I'm happy but when I hit my lows I don't know if my happiness is an act or my sadness is just sadness. A zebra with white or black stripes? My family can mostly recognize my lows and try to boost me up. It works. Rarely. I feel that all of the compliments are given to me because I'm some charity case. Or because it is expected from them. So I never really believe compliments. At least when I'm sad.
I put myself down to help bring up others. Often they catch this and bring me back up. Thank you to the people who catch me.
And I'm sorry that I am getting better at hiding. I often feel like if I just didn't show up not a lot of people would notice. I know that's not true. But I can't convince my heart that says no one cares. Now adults often say every teen goes through this because I went through it. But they don't understand how I feel. They don't understand when I am tired of everything and everything aches I think of everything I have to do and what I can't do because of information I'm not suppose to know. I feel like I am not living my life the way I want to live it. I feel like I am living my expectations and those are my chains.
I know that I don't have to look very far to find someone who has it worse and their fine so why can't I? Why?
I feel like most people are vaguely aware of me and are often surprised when I say something. I have to admit even my crush doesn't even know who I am. On the contrary I am more terrified that he will learn everything about me and not accept it. I live my fears everyday and they are rejection, being ignored, and left out of the loop because they think I am too stupid.
It's true somethings I don't understand that I am always laughed at for not knowing. But they still insist on keeping me in the dark.
But hey I put on a good show, I put on my happy face and go through the motions of the day. But once the lights are off I am lucky to get off the stage on two feet.
I have so many hopes and dreams that are in my reach but I am too scared to try because I am afraid of getting hurt. And because of all of this I am very fragile because I refuse to do anything difficult. Also I have no motivation or inspiration to do anything, so I don't.
So what is left if I break completely? How can I feel love again and believe it? Who believes a mirror they are simply objects. It would surprise people how much pain and fear there is day to day in my life.
Now yes I am having a sad day and that's okay because we can be sad sometimes. But it will pass. All I've got to do is stay strong and hang on until it gets better and it will. I will endure.
love you guys,
<3 Shannon
No comments:
Post a Comment