Mirrors

Random Friday night home alone again which isn't uncommon sadly. I'm not sure if I will post this or not, but we will see what will happen I guess. This has a lot of "I"s in it sorry but this is a personal post, I'll write a happy post soon. However this isn't a pity party for me, I simply want to get a point across... Fore warning this is kinda sad so if you don't want to read this it's okay.

I am a mirror, that is the best way to describe me. No fancy frame or artistic etches just a plain reflective surface. 
I am not very good talking with people because I become worried that  I'll say something stupid or do something strange. I am very self conscious to a point of fault. Example: I love hugging people, but I don't want to offend anyone who doesn't like hugging, but I never bother to ask. Lose lose. I find it almost physically impossible for me to interrupt people when they are talking, even if it's a really good comment. So then I isolate myself off to the side and listen. Then I feel like I am eavesdropping on the conversation so I stop listening eventually I am just existing next to a group of people.
I am a mirror because I can copy very well, especially motions and talking. I copy everyone around me. I guess that is why I am dying to be an actress because that is the one thing I guess I'm good at. 
But then I come home and feel like hiding in my room most days, and I do. An empty mirror. But how can I break out of my mirror? What would I be? 
I was never bullied at school, quite the opposite actually. Sometimes complimented but mostly stereotyped to the rich smart girl that doesn't say anything worthwhile. Or at least that's how I feel most of the time. At home I had mile high expectations that I think I can't achieve. I have to be the good child, my sibling teased me for being sensitive and a goody-two-shoes. So at grade school I tried being blunt. Not rude or necessarily mean but kids then thought of me as the one who you should run away from. My bark is bigger than my bite... always. At home too sweet, at school too blunt some of the time. 
So I grew up being silent and tame, bottling my emotions, fears, hopes, and dreams. The positive was soon over run by the negative. 
I remember when I was small I would sometimes sing because I thought I was good. My sister recorded my singing replayed it to me and said "This is what you sound like so stop." My confidence plummeted from the small height it was on. I highly doubt that she even remembers doing this. I have no grudge towards her, but when ever I sing in public this memory comes screaming at me. Lowering my self esteem every time. I am often scolded by my sister to stop being so sensitive, when in reality I am only sensitive with her. I know she means well but her ways are so different from mine they are often not enjoyable. 
I was raised to be independent, leave me in Europe with some money and I'd be fine. Make me ask for help from my friends and family, I'd rather fail. I don't think I am arrogant. It's just that I don't want to cause anyone else to stress about me so I stay quite and then I stress more and more till I crack. 
I really love talking even though I am not good at it. With friends I am a little better but with peers I fumble for words and I am very awkward and am dying inside because i feel that I am causing unease.   If I could talk like I write I would be in bliss. But I can't so I'm not. 
I am a mirror because I can be just like someone, I seem to pick of mostly favorable attributes. I've lost myself to the act. The majority of the time I'm happy but when I hit my lows I don't know if my happiness is an act or my sadness is just sadness. A zebra with white or black stripes? My family can mostly recognize my lows and try to boost me up. It works. Rarely. I feel that all of the compliments are given to me because I'm some charity case. Or because it is expected from them. So I never really believe compliments. At least when I'm sad. 
I put myself down to help bring up others. Often they catch this and bring me back up. Thank you to the people who catch me. 
And I'm sorry that I am getting better at hiding. I often feel like if I just didn't show up not a lot of people would notice. I know that's not true. But I can't convince my heart that says no one cares. Now adults often say every teen goes through this because I went through it. But they don't understand how I feel. They don't understand when I am tired of everything and everything aches I think of everything I have to do and what I can't do because of information I'm not suppose to know. I feel like I am not living my life the way I want to live it. I feel like I am living my expectations and those are my chains. 
I know that I don't have to look very far to find someone who has it worse and their fine so why can't I? Why? 
I feel like most people are vaguely aware of me and are often surprised when I say something. I have to admit even my crush doesn't even know who I am. On the contrary I am more terrified that he will learn everything about me and not accept it. I live my fears everyday and they are rejection, being ignored, and left out of the loop because they think I am too stupid. 
It's true somethings I don't understand that I am always laughed at for not knowing. But they still insist on keeping me in the dark. 
But hey I put on a good show, I put on my happy face and go through the motions of the day. But once the lights are off I am lucky to get off the stage on two feet. 
I have so many hopes and dreams that are in my reach but I am too scared to try because I am afraid of getting hurt. And because of all of this I am very fragile because I refuse to do anything difficult. Also I have no motivation or inspiration to do anything, so I don't. 
So what is left if I break completely? How can I feel love again and believe it? Who believes a mirror they are simply objects. It would surprise people how much pain and fear there is day to day in my life. 

Now yes I am having a sad day and that's okay because we can be sad sometimes. But it will pass. All I've got to do is stay strong and hang on until it gets better and it will. I will endure.
love you guys,
<3 Shannon 

A new kind of art

I found something that I find really cool. 
Now I do hope this doesn't make you drool. 
It is called rapping.
But it is not the popular Eminem or his clique.
It is rapping that leaves you tapping your head saying why?
It is beautiful and empowering leaving no dream to die. 
It is the rapping that gives a message that opens your perspective. 
Now to some it may not be as affective. 
But to me, it is a new kind of view. 
Sure it may be a bit foolish, 
but who doesn't love a fool?
Yeah I called it art, because this kind of rapping to me is now a part of me. 
I don't mind if you disagree
Saying but I love my popular rappers.
Okay, may you enjoy that. 
But for me this is absolutely mind changing on how we see the world. 
Price Ea, Suli, and Fong all have the big idea. 
Look them up and give them a chance.
They just might make your mind dance. 


Hey guys thanks for reading, but really go check out these guys and all the links with them because they are amazing! Love you guys!
<3 Shannon

A manifesto for travel

 It's a bit blurry so I'll just go over it piece by piece, now I am not voicing this for every traveler, this is just my own thoughts on how world travel should be...

OPEN YOUR MIND: If people travel with closed minds its like going to an art museum blindfolded. Now sometimes it's hard to tell if your mind is open or closed, here is a simple question you can ask, Do you judge the area or its people for their style of dress, religion, or culture in any negative way? If its yes well then stop it! Now I am no saint when it comes to this only it's when I'm not traveling. I am working on changing it so I can have an open mind but at times it is difficult. 
Stretch your boundaries: It is amazing on what we do when we travel, and from these experiences we grow. If we don't and we just stay in our hotel room what was the use of this trip? For me traveling is a chance to learn more about myself and what I want to do. At home I am the kind of person who doesn't move before noon on a holiday or a weekend, but when I am on the go I usually wake up about 6 in the morning and go to bed at midnight or 1. I call it my cruise schedule because I can usually hold that up for about a week in a half, but you will often find me dead asleep about noon on days that we don't do anything. 
Experience something new: Wether it is a food, talking to someone new, or doing something you have never done. This is similar to Stretch your boundaries but at the same time it isn't. For example you can do something outlandish that is usually not in your boundaries but you can repeat it over and over. Experience something new is doing something that you have never done before in your life. And maybe never again. 
Discover yourself: To me this is the whole point of traveling! In Mexico I found out I love to zip line and learn to do things like that quickly. In Malta I learned that cliff jumping sends you to a whole new world. In Egypt I learned about acceptance of different religions and customs. In Scotland I learned to be witty and get lost in sunsets. I'm just going to keep going because this is the kicker line in this manifesto. In France I found the  home of heart, learned about art, learned about the magnificent details in cathedrals. In Italy I found my love of natural beauty, history, and street performers. I FOUND MYSELF THROUGH TRAVEL. 
Interact: Alright you can still have a great time with very little contact with the native people. But if one wants to see what their country means to them and see the soul of the country, take your tour guide/taxi driver out to lunch. You then learn so much more than dates, facts, and history. You learn about the type of people they really are. Instead of finding a huge hotel try a little bed and breakfast. It will open the day to a authentic experience of meals and greetings, deals and meetings.
Engage:  Get involved in what is happening especially if it is a cruise then it makes the trip more enjoyable by tenfold. 
Listen: Don't just hear what people are saying actually listen and put in a question or a statement to add to the conversation. I remember staying up until early in the morning listening to people stories about what happened to them or a loved one. Sometimes it's very sad other times it's hilarious.
Embrace: Go into the trip with a good attitude other words it will not be fun at all. Go in with an open heart, let people change you for the better. Learn everything you can from the trip other words what was the trip worth?
Travel with awe, wonder ,and gratitude and take moments and memories over possessions: It does not matter on what you bring home for your best friend, don't worry about it just get something small and it will suffice. Travel with no eye to critique, with no sneer in your smile, and the trip will be wonderful. Be grateful that you are able to travel and widen your life experience and your minds eye. It's okay to be at awe at things, honestly everything is worth being awe inspiring. Wonder at the things that are fantastic, and ask questions. It (mostly) always makes guides light up when you ask a question.
Be present and passionate: Okay I think I have gone over the first point enough, so being a passionate traveler. Very few things are my passion, one is traveling. However because I have grown up being passionate about this it has become an unconscious passion so I can not tell you how to be passionate about something. ON the other hand what I can do it attempt to say what traveling gives me. Traveling gives me the feeling of being free and not having to worry about anything at home no matter the circumstances. It lets me have a new start for at least a short while. And most importantly, in my opinion, it gives me confidence and it defines a new part of me that I will always keep with me.   
Slow it down: This depends, if you are not traveling on a schedule or a list of places to go then this applies to you. If not move on. Don't go running through everything just so you can say oh I've gone there but I don't remember anything because I was only there for fifteen minutes. Venice is the best place to slow it down, first you get lost really easy so don't worry. Second there are so many things to see! So many little shops with different things that exceed the last shop. It is also very quaint in the little plazas with cafes and kids. So even if you are just running through slow it down and enjoy it as much as you can. 
Swing in hammocks at sunset often: This can be taken literally or figuratively. Literally it is very self-explanatory. Figuratively to me it means so lay back once in a while and just take in the natural beauty of the destination. 
Love that it is not like home: There is no place like the place that you are visiting. Each town, city, shop, ruin has a personality either set by the people, area, or its history. So it is impossible to say it's exactly like home. It can become your home, but overall it is an original place that loves and dislikes. So drink it in and love it with all your heart. 
Go back and share what you've learned: Tell stories when you get home! Share the experiences. Tell funny stories. Just share it and let the memory live on. 

England

Goodness sakes I say "Travels and thoughts of Shannon B" not just thoughts. Well here goes, my memory is not perfect and I hope to get real pictures of my time there but for now its the Union Jack.

I moved to England because my daddy helped start Ancestry in the England division and he had to see it through and we didn't know how long it would take so we simply moved over there. I lived in Ascot, England for two and a half years. From 2006-2009. Ascot is the British equivalent of  Churchill Downs, Kentucky where the Kentucky Derby is held. I lived in a three story half house. I call it a half house apparently its really called a duplex house, huh. Anyway I wish I could remember what the address was so I could just google maps a picture of the outside at least. Oh well. It was a very nice house, I never remember it being dirty. Probably because we had an inspector every month come by to make sure it was clean since we were technically renting the house. 

Sorry get a bit side tracked. School in England was amazing! It was called Ascot Primary School, I believe or something along the lines of that... It was a Christian school within a ten minute walk of my house.Some of the things that we did that I remember was a ceramic class, French language class, drawing one of Henry the 8th's wives I drew Jane Seymour. Oh! We raised butterflies from eggs, went to a Hindu temple and had a tour, a lesson, and prayed with them, it was fantastic! Swimming class during the warmer seasons, and I was best friends with the Headmaster. 

It was very easy going to school there it was amazing! In my seven year old mind I could not see how this was bad. I had very few friends in America so this would be fun. And it was! 

On the introduction day before school officially began I walked into class late with my mother. All I could think was I just want a friend. The angles must have heard because not fifteen minutes later my future English BBFF(Better Best Friends Forever) said "Hi, Im Lauren Aves. Im going to be your friend." Now at the time I just thought oh okay, but as I look back at it time and time again I marvel how lucky I was. Today I have not been able to contact Lauren but I still love and miss her. Another reason why I loved that school was because at one point I caught pneumonia for three weeks and for that three weeks I was out of school, when I was finally well enough to go back to school as one could imagine there would be a lot of work I would have to catch up on. But I didn't have one bit of homework besides what was assigned that very day. It blew my mind!

Alright that was home and school, now to the fun stuff! London was a hour train ride and I hate sitting backwards on a train. Random tidbit. We saw all the classic London attractions; London eye, Themes, Tower of London, The British Zoo- where a part of harry potter and the sorcerers stone was filmed. Bath(Do not drink the bath water!), Buckingham Palace-we went inside and it's quite fancy. But my absolute favorite place to go was the British Museum, I went there a few times and little seven to nine year old would quietly wander around. ( funny thing if you ever see me walking around the store or a museum one will often find my hands behind my back but open- I did this there because  I thought if I touched the glass alarms would go off so I just kept them behind my back so the custodians never had to worry about me) I'm a strange child but oh well haha. But the Egyptian department was the best and always full and I would talk to the guides about the parchment that depicts the Weighing of the Heart witch I had memorized. hahahaha well this comes from a girl who didn't pick up picture book at the schools library, I picked up encyclopedias to read. All the kids thought I was a bit off but they liked to hear me say random things because I had an accent to them.

Well thats all I can think of tonight, have any questions or clarifications just comment. Thanks for reading that was a bit long but that was two years of my life... well love you and goodnight(maybe)

<3shannon

Ripples that we make

Every single person makes ripples, some days good, some days not. We never know who looks up to us in our lives and how we act is setting an example to them. 

There is also ripple over events and choices that we make everyday. Often when we look back at something bad that happened to us we tend to say what if I did this or hadn't done that. Would it have changed? Honestly I don't know. We sometimes look back to the day we met someone who made a huge impact on our lives and say the same thing, what if we had not met? What would have happened? Again I don't know, but what I do know is that we should be grateful to the people that changed our life for the better. 

I love you all, I hope my blabbering has helped at one point or another! ;)

<3 Shannon

stars can't shine without darkness

The last few nights the starts have been brighter then a normal winters night so this quote can to mind

Honestly who do we know? To some it may be a lot of people, to others it my not even be themselves.

But what every single person on this planet does know is Darkness. 

But everyone's Darkness is always a bit different. However we all go through trials and that is our Darkness. The details vary but it is still dark. 

Now this isn't ment to be a sad dismal post so let be shed some light on this dismal subject. 

We are stars. It's kinda hard to see the stars at noon, trust me I've tried ;) but I hope you see my point. 

We need trials so that we can see what we are able to do. Now I'm just going to throw in some science stuff. We can either be a crazy awesome super nova and learn from every experience that is given to us. Or we can become black holes and take other peoples light and feel no better. So I do hope that we can become crazy cool super novas, because I mean everyone is amazing!

But I guess what is the most important is that we doesn't give up no matter what kind of darkness is going on in your lives. The darkness in our lives are heavy, I don't know yours and you don't know mine but all that we can do is help each other out. 

Alright I'm going to challenge you guys to something and I'll challenge myself. 

I challenge you to be someone's light today, help them out, lighten their burden even if it's only for a little bit. 

Alright hope you guys have a great day! 

<3 Shannon 

To the people!

Hey people who read my blog! Hi haha well I'm going to give this post to you guys and gals as a thank you and if you want to know something about me I'll answer most any of your questions! Again thank you so much I love you all and don't be shy to comment with questions, I promise I don't bite! Hahahaha alright love you guys hope to hear from you! And thank you to those who do comment I love you hear from you!

<3 Shannon 

Life in the theater

Tonight I had a show, it's called One Acts. Really short fun scenes from lots of plays. Anyway I totally thought I wasn't going to make it because I don't have any of the experience as a casual actor. But I did I made Ensamble with K.B and it was amazing!  I loved working with K.B and all of the actors and actresses, everyone was fantastic! And to by dear J.J thank you so much for being kind to me and letting me talk and voice my opinion, I hope we get to work together again soon! You are a doll sent from heaven! And to all of those who encouraged me to try out when I had no hope of becoming even a small part of the drama family. Thank you T. L, Cole., L.H, and N.H for pushing me into the life I've idolized but was too afraid to peruse because of my self esteem. Thank you for being firm and inviting all at the same time. Thank you to everyone who was there with me, I was in a very dangerous tail spin, I had too much on my plate and how could I toss a show into my schedule anyhow? I felt like I could never be a part of the amazing drama kids I've thought were the absolute cool kids at the school. I thought that our Drama teacher was a slightly scary awe inspiring man who I want to get to know more in the future. I thought I couldn't make it, why even try? I can't sing, I can't dance, I have motivation and dedication issues. I can't act. But being in One Acts helped me see the TRUTH. I have the energy of a chihuahua on a double shot espresso. I have the projection potential. I have the passion of the theater in my heart that I hold above everything else. I have everything I could possible want or need, Family, friends, a passion. 

I have been a few theater productions, but I've always been in the back. And I've never known why. 

Was I not good enough? Was I just not the favorite? But it doesn't matter anymore, because of One Acts I got my first play with lines! A chance to voice my character, to voice who I really am. 

   This feeling I hope I can begin to expand on this and give it justice.

Before the show I was full of nerves that swung from " pfft I've got this" to utter horror that can not be voiced, it just simply made me shake. Most of the time I would have both at the same time which generally resulted in me grinning from ear to ear and shaking like a leaf. Probably looked like I was crazy! 

On stage is the eye of my nervous storm. Utter recollection of everything in my usual disorganized head. Not saying I didn't forget some thing but it was the calmest and happiest I've felt in a long time. It was peace. I rarely feel peace because my mind is running ten different directions, but performing with an amazing partner that I trust completely, I felt complete peace and focus.

After the show I watched everyone got to work after a few chats with parents in the lobby. But techies and actor/actresses help take down a huge false stage. Being on an even higher sugar and adrenalin rush I somehow got myself into holding a door open. Sounds lame, but it wasn't! I have no arm strength and I've come to terms with that but holding a door open and giving everyone a bouncy smile was the best I could offer. The team work, dedication, young authority, and organization I saw moved me. Ah I'm getting a bit off topic but oh well. So the post-production high, this last as long as your around the other cast members for me at least. This feeling of accomplishment that you made someone feel a different emotion then they were feeling earlier is extremely empowering. It felt as I could fly and i might have been on how much I was bouncing! endless energy, no weight of cares, a heart full of love, I was on cloud infinity. With every simple "good job" my confidence soared higher then it's ever been. And all of this is thanks so a friend in my seminary and old math class who thought he should tell me to try out for something I've never heard of because he thought it would be fun. And it was it was the best!! And thank you to the drama kids in my math class who explained and encouraged me to audition. I owe you more than you could ever imagine.

To all the new drama kids I've met, you are fabulous, spunky, and crazy! Stay true to you, I've come to truly love all of you for the light and laughs that you have given me in what use to be a dark time. I love you all so much!!! =) I really hope that we can continue down this path and become even closer friends 

<3 Shannon B 

I am...

Just some things about me =) 

I AM: 

A traveler, I travel because it is my passion to become part of a culture.

An actress, I love to perform for people and make an impact even if it's for a short while.

A utterly hopeless romantic, I have no idea why I just am.

A sister.

A daughter.

A friend.

French at heart, in my crazy world sometimes I give people the personality of countries that I adore.and to myself I feel French, perhaps I'll write a full post on that subject sometime.

A musical enthusiast, I love musicals!!

A singer, always have been and always will no matter what people say.

A dancer.

A crazy person. Drama people know this well ;)

A quiet person.

A strange person. 

A disney extreme enthusisest, anywhere Disney is my third home.

A strong woman. It would surprise you what I've been through.

A happy girl. Frowns do nothing but spread and so do smiles!

A Mormon all the way! And I love it!

A learning child.

A deep thinker. 

Some of the things that my friends have said to add:

An amazing best friend

A beautiful girl

A super nice person

I want to make this a big list so if I've left off anything at all just leave a comment!

Love you guys!

Homework stress!

I have overestimated myself a bit this year, my classes are a lot harder than I thought they would be. This week I have two giant projects due and they are not very done. Chemistry science fair is due Wednesday but apparently for my partner is due today, so me and my dad finished it last night. Ugh and that was after trying to film for a language festival. So today me and a friend have to cram to finish editing the whole movie plus audio add ins, ect. So I'm stressed out of my mind. This is just a venting post but oh we'll I'll try not to have too many of these, promise I'll make it up. Anyway Monday went to sleep at 2 woke up at 4:30 went to school at 6 to work on One Acts, that I still need to memorize my lines 😰. In English we had the SAGE testings, I finished the first essay. I still have the multiple choice and the second essay. Oh! That morning I was baking some yummy meringues, and they were perfect. So then I had a test in Chemistry witch of course I didn't do very well because I am not a very good test taker... After school hurried off to film at 2:30 and they guys did not show until 4:30. For the majority of this time me and vivi are outside in dresses. When they finally show we find out only a few lights work and we are losing light to film, and it's due Thursday! So my perfect meringues are in a glass bowl. Guess what breaks... Yup now all of my meringues have tiny shards of glass in them and I'm down one glass bowl. I'm mainly upset about my meringues since I was up till 1 in the morning baking them 😡. But accidents happen and I'll make them again on Saturday anyway. So we finish filming and then we try to work on it and edit it. But of course it doesn't work.... All four of our computers don't want to work with it so that was fantastic 😒. Well got home about 9:15 and bam memory sledge hammer. The science project!!! Oh no! So me and my dad stay up til 11 working on it, but we get it done whew. 

Tuesday. Apparently my partner did not present that day☝ there's more. 

Wednesday. I present the science project and so then my partner didn't have too. Ahhhhhh!

Thursday. Present our French film, me and my friend vivi just muttering don't win don't win don't win the entire time our film was going. We pick two film, guess who's one of the two? Yup it's mine! Ahhh so I give it to the guys so they can put in the subtitles ajsjdjemhue 😲 I will not be surprised if they never get it done. Oh well

Just to clarify I started this on Monday but ended it on Sunday 

Thanks for reading my shpill love ya guys!